This is my final goodbye.

15 Aug

I’m posting this letter for everyone to see so that they know just how serious I am about being completely finished with this fool. I’ve written this by hand in the Dear Ben book that I have (he has a Dear Lauren counterpart) and it has filled the final pages of it, making for a great way to be completely done with this. I thank everyone for all of your love and support throughout this trying time, it is very truly appreciated.

Dear Ben,

Let me get this straight: you mean to tell me that you’re gonna use the fact that you were drunk and barely remember anything from last night as an excuse to hit me around like that, and then call me pathetic and insane? Sounds to me like your whole “awesome life” is built on nothing but your shallow existence and drugs to numb the reality of your actions. It also sounds like you’re completely irresponsible which tells me that one day all of this shit will come crashing down on you, forcing you to face the error of your ways.

Contacting me at 3:30 in the morning asking where I’m at and what I’m doing is beyond your jurisdiction. You no longer have the privilege of knowing my whereabouts or being a part of my life. Also, telling me your pathetic sob stories about how you can’t seem to get passed your social phobia and how hard you’ve tried is not something I’m concerned with anymore. I don’t care if your so-called friends haven’t invited you out in two weeks. They probably don’t want to hang out with you because they know you’re completely awkward in every way possible, plus no one wants to hang out with someone who they can’t trust.

Why would anyone want to associate with someone who lies, cheats, and steals? Why would anyone want to be friends with you when you use people, just like you used your friend’s grandmother’s passing as an excuse to hang out with that naive midget at the beach all day and then fuck her in OUR brand new bed. You’ve got some nerve calling me psycho when I’ve told you specifically that I’m done with this, that I can’t do this with you anymore, yet all you say is “relax” so you can continue to string me along at your leisure. What kind of friends uses the passing of his friend’s grandmother, whom he was very close with, as an excuse to spend the day at the beach with some girl? And that friend had recently discovered that his live-in girlfriend was cheating on him and you saw first-hand how much it tore him up. Who the fuck does that kind of shit to their friends?! Apparently you do.

Maybe I’ve sought my revenge, but you’ve pushed me to the limit and beyond by fucking with me over and over again. I know that I shouldn’t have given you as many chances to apologize to me as I did, but clearly you aren’t sorry for fucking cheating on me and lying to me. You think it’s perfectly okay to ruin an amazing relationship by lying to other girls, putting your penis inside of their hideous vaginas, and then lying to me about it. You should have taken the option I gave you when it first happened, which was to apologize and allow me to gracefully walk away. But you had to keep me around to continue forth with you’re mind-fucking games. You actually believed that I was stupid enough to fall for your shit but you will never ever beat me at my own game.

I will NOT tolerate lying, cheating, stealing, physical/mental/verbal abuse of any kind or any form of deception. I can always see right through people’s bullshit which is why I’m such a strong woman. You’ve said it yourself how often you’ve underestimated me. Truthfully that was one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made because I told you from the very beginning that I will walk away at the drop of a hat if you want to fuck with me. I ask for simplicity, honesty, loyalty, devotion, and love — if you can’t handle that, can’t handle my all-or-nothing personality, than you should have stayed the fuck home in New Jersey where you belong, instead of infecting my life the way you did.

Maybe Peaches Honey Blossom wouldn’t be dead right now and I would still be living with her in my dream world in Arizona. Instead, I wasted 9 months of my life dating you, allowing you to isolate me from the rest of the world, causing me to lose my friends and fall into a depression that I battle with every day. I cannot believe that I actually thought you were my Edward Cullen. The kind of love I gave you was unlike anything I’ve ever dream of before and you chose to destroy that when you lied and cheated. You chose to murder a part of my soul, a part that I may truthfully never get back, because you are an extremely weak individual. I’ve given you my undivided love, attention, devotion, and compassion and this is how you repay me.

The only reason you’re even mad at me in the first place is because I’ve caught you in every single lie you’ve told. I caught you cheating on me red-handed twice. I told your friends how you used them and their tragedies to deceive me. I told everyone on Facebook and in person what a fucking piece of shit you truly are. The reason why I’ve put forth so much information, why I’ve told so many people is because everyone should know just how truly pathetic you are. I wanted you to suffer the way you’ve made me suffer, to feel as alone and isolated as you’ve made me feel. To be quite honest, if you felt even a fraction of the pain that I do–the kind that truly weakens the soul causing you to barely to function every day, to feel so used and worthless like you’re equivalent to a piece of trash, so expendable–than you would probably die instantly. You’re mad because I told the truth and the truth fucking hurts, doesn’t it?

Thing is, I am a strong woman and I will remain this way until I take my very last breath, whereas you will always be this pathetic excuse for a human being who sabotages every good thing in his life. You will forever be scarred by your unfortunate childhood. You will continue to be a social phobic living in your Dad’s guest house, who never finishes college or follows his dreams. You will forever be burdened by your weakness and the fact that you can’t seem to overcome them. I can no longer be apart of your life and try to support and love you through these things because you destroyed all of that for me and for yourself. You can attempt to discredit me by talking about my job but it’s only just that: a job. You look like a fool by even attempting something like this because people who truly know me, know that I’m a stand-up kind of girl who isn’t interested in shallow, meaningless bullshit.

This is the last time I will ever write to you and the last time you will ever hear from me. I do not wish you all the best because you frankly do not deserve it. Please leave me alone and never contact me again.

Lauren

I’m fully aware of what must be done in order to move forth from something like this, I know what will happen after a significant absense from his life, I know that I’m far a psycho and that my revenge was justified because there is never a fault in telling the truth (my mom didn’t teach me that honesty was the best policy for nothing), I know that his actions have spoken much louder than his words since the day I caught him cheating on me.

I will make it through this depression and I will come out on top, because I always come out on top after any kind of hardship. Time heals what reason cannot and I’m fully aware of this, if I wasn’t than being a relationship therapist wouldn’t be a healthy career choice for me. I also know that I’m only human and I can only do/take so much before I begin to crack. Living my life in such a way is not how I’m used to living nor is it what I envision for my future. I will continue to remain loyal to my duties as a friend, trustworthy, kind, devoted, misjudging, and always there to do anything possible.

I’d also like to touch on the fact that this entire situation has lasted entirely too long, literally spawning enough drama for at least 250 Broadway productions. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not about the drama, I stay neutral on purpose. Indifference is a powerful thing and living by it has greatly helped me throughout the years. I know who I am, what I’m passionate about, what I want in life, and what works for me–and that is the number one reason why I’m such a strong woman. I will not tolerate anymore childish drama at all.

Again, I thank you all for the kind words, loving support, and time spent listening to me vent, it is very deeply and graciously appreciated.

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7 Responses to “This is my final goodbye.”

  1. Miree Jimenez August 15, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

    Bravo, Lauren! I know its been hard for you dealing with everything negative that has come your way, but like you said, ‘I am a strong woman’. Indeed you are! You’ll make it through this in time like you’ve done many times before. If at nothing this was an immense learning experience for you. I hope all is well and I wish you the best! Miss you and give Kitty and Bella a hug for me.

    • Lauren Dickson August 15, 2010 at 5:27 pm #

      Thank you Miree!

      You’re right, I am strong and I will make it through this as I have before. This is by far the worst experience I’ve ever had with dating so it’s certainly taken it’s toll on me, but I’m not letting it get the best of me…no way no how. It certainly was a learning experience to say the least. What matters is that I no longer have to deal with someone as insecure as him, no girl wants to be with someone like that.

      I’m doing as well as I can given the situation. He has done some serious damage to my life, literally breaking me down so badly. His behavior is completely uncalled for and I know it’s all bullshit anyway. All of his friends talk about him to me and how they feel sorry for him, how they say he’s so awkward when he’s out with them. Like, I can’t help but laugh at that. It’s totally karma.

      Other than this crap, I’m getting better with every day. I’ve been working my ass off, like 5-6 days a week. K-tina and I are moving to Arizona at the end of December. We picked out and secured a place already. I’ve been hanging out with lots of my old friends, getting my life back in order, and enjoying life.

      Bella is doing fantastic actually. She’s so tiny still, I don’t think she’ll be getting any bigger but I’m alright with that. She’s getting declawed and fixed in a few weeks so I won’t have any more cuts all over me haha.

      Hope all is well with you! I miss you and can’t wait to see you in a few months!

  2. benarcher August 15, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

    1. I never hit you
    2. This is hilarious
    3. We were together for like 8 months. Get over it lol

    • Lauren Dickson August 15, 2010 at 5:20 pm #

      Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?! Because you are seriously a burden to society.

      • benarcher August 16, 2010 at 2:51 pm #

        I hope one day you can gain a broader view of this situation.

        I despise the way you’ve handled this, but I understand it.

        Despite your anger (and a few of my mistakes) you know I’ve never wanted to hurt you, and that when you’ve truly needed me I’ve been there, regardless of what’s going on between us. That won’t change. I’ll always want the best for you…not just in relationships but in your own choices, and I hope you get there.

        And I agree that never speaking again is what’s best for both of us.

        Take care, Bunny. I love you and I hope you and Bella find Arizona again soon.

  3. erin August 15, 2010 at 5:20 pm #

    Hey…wow…not only am I amazed that u went thru all that n didn’t let on…I love the way u write! Let me say I’ve been there….with EVERYthing u went thru…so if u need to talk about it I’m here. I won’t push cuz I know how long it took me to open up. Just know that even if its years from now I’m always willing to talk. 🙂

    • Lauren Dickson August 15, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

      Thank you, Erin. I really appreciate your comment. I’m at this point now where I don’t even care anymore. There’s no point in wasting any more time on him. I know how he really feels even though he claims otherwise. I know he’s hurting deep down inside and that he will one day have to face this and if he doesn’t then he’ll continue to live his life as a coward.

      Going through something like this is……insane. You know I’m okay to open up. Maybe we can have a little Skype convo tonight? I think you might have some good stuff to tell me.

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