Sacrificing Arizona.

14 Jan

Initially I thought that moving home would be a good thing—a temporary thing—and that I could handle a few months away from my beloved Arizona, but I’m finding out all too soon just how difficult this is all turning out to be.

When I wake up to the site of overcast skies, various shades of bitter grey stretching as far as the eye can see, as it shields the sun from my searching eye, I begin to feel angry for leaving Arizona, for leaving the Valley of the Sun where an overcast day is as rare as getting struck by lightning. This feeling of disappointment clouds my mind in a way that I really hoped it would not.

Although I’m as happy as a cucumber being here with Ben and no longer having to go through the painful goodbyes of separation at the airport each time one of us has to go “home”, I still can’t help but feel completely overwhelmed by the lifeless scenery that is New Jersey.

As I drive down the road, the naked trees speed by me as their empty branches sway in the winter air and I notice that there aren’t any mountains to be seen in the distance. Why are my feet so cold? I think to myself. Then I remember that I’m no longer in the desert. Coming home for my mom was the right thing to do, she needs me right now more than I need the mountains, the endless palm trees and cacti, even more than wearing flip flops in the middle of January.

I need to remember that sometimes I have to put others needs before my own and this is the perfect time to be doing so. My mom has lived a long hard life, and no matter how many times we’ve butt heads, being here for her is more important.

I first found out about this whole situation last Monday, the 4th, and thought it through and through. By Tuesday morning, I purchased Ben a plane ticket which would put him into Phoenix around midnight that night, called a few friends to come over and help me pack, rented a U-haul trailer, and broke my lease. When Ben arrived, everything in the apartment except for a few things was completely packed up. The walls were empty, the kitchen bare, and the reality of my dream life in Arizona had suddenly been put on hold.

We pulled out of the lot around 7am, but first pit stopping for breakfast at McDonald’s, a quick withdraw of my remaining cash at Wells Fargo (there are no locations on the east coast), a visit to the school’s registration office, and Best Buy. By 1pm we found ourselves heading east on the 10 towards Tucson.  As I glanced out of my side view mirror, I felt a swell of tears formings as I took one last look at Phoenix as it faded in the distance behind me. See you in a few months I thought to myself.

The abruptness of my departure made most of the emotions I would have felt under normal circumstances very dull. It didn’t fully hit me until we reached the rural suburbs of Austin Texas that I wouldn’t be seeing those jagged mountains as they lay in lazy fashion around the valley; instead I would be faced with frigid temperatures and continuously overcast skies for the next few months.

How in the hell am I going to survive the remaining winter months in New Jersey when my blood has thinned out so much? This thought hasn’t left my mind since a cold front hit the country on the second day of our cross country journey. I’m usually wearing a sweater or light jacket when it’s 70 outside and now I’m wearing thermal underwear under all of my clothes. Damn the Northeast for the uncalled for winters, black ice, and snow that always turns to mush within a few days. Damn you for making this transition that much harder.

One of the best things about being home is that I’m now living with Ben. We no longer had to wait for him to move to Arizona like we originally planned. Getting things settled has been quite the chore since his house doesn’t offer nearly as much storage space as my apartment did, but we’re making it work someway, somehow.

We’ll be making the cross country journey once more in just a few months when we’ll be moving to Arizona together this time, which actually makes so much more sense instead of him moving there and in with me. I really cannot wait for the day to come when we can return to the desert and officially put the inconvenience of winter behind us.

There are a million things I’d love to continue with but I think it’s time to continue unpacking and organizing the house, I can only handle the chaos for so long. Oh, and keep an eye out for the pictures of our journey which are soon to come!


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