Challenging the status quo.

Valid during many months: At this time there is a balance between the old and the new in your life, between conservatism and the desire to experiment. You are able to take a new experience, see its potential and give it a concrete form in your life. You approach life with patience, willing to give everything a chance to prove itself. Consequently this is an excellent time for studying any kind of demanding new material. You can also teach the techniques you have learned to others.

You may find it desirable to work with other people in the projects that you undertake now. Their insights will help you transcend your own limitations.

The changes you made in your life several years ago have taken a concrete form now. You may have moved, changed the structure of your relationships or changed your job at that time. Under this influence, these matters are stable, for you realize that your life is different now and perhaps more appropriate to what you are.

You may feel that you can encompass anything new that comes along now, and it is quite likely that you are more able to do so than usual. And it is good for you to try new approaches – don’t reject challenges to the status quo. Incorporate them into yourself if they reveal valid flaws in your life as it is. In a few years it will be much harder to make these challenges a part of your life, and you may be forced to make changes under less desirable conditions. Your sense of internal pressure will be much greater then, and you are more likely to act in a disordered or disruptive way.

Gryffindor style, obviously!

But I wouldn’t object to cake like this either!

Or delicious party treats like these!

especially when you can’t verbalize it.

What I would have liked to have happened.

[versus]

What actually happened.

Love is such a dirty fucking bitch.

Watching this literally gave me serious goosebumps! But what can you expect from a die-hard fan like myself? Only 56 days left till the theatrical release and let me just say that it absolutely cannot come any faster!

If my marriage fails or never happens with James McAvoy,

I’m absolutely marrying this man.

He’s clearly the boy who lives for a reason!

I’ve decided that I’m marrying James McAvoy.

And he’s Scottish

Enough said.

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound.  When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise.  But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent.  You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell.  But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

If there is a noise, it’s internal.  It screams and no one can hear it but you.  It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches.  It thrashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken.  That’s what it looks like and that’s what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own motions.  But that’s the thing about love; no one is untouchable.  It’s as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it’s silent, you’re just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.

“You must know… surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I’d scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.” – Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy

I remember feeling like this a year ago. I remember meeting Ben in person for the very first time and feeling like I literally waited my entire life to meet him. It was as if we’d always been together in each life that we’ve lived and this was just us continuing with that cycle. I’ll never ever forget that very first time I pulled him into my arms and burying my face into his chess, slowly taking in his scent and memorizing it to keep forever, “I could get used to this,” I thought to myself. And I did get used to it and it never got old. Never.

Now that A+ lyrical essay I’d written all about our obsessive love for each other is filed away in a folder with the rest of my A+ stories, only to collect dust and turn into nothing but a memory. All that’s left of what we had is the memories. The two cross country road trips. That afternoon on the beach in Venice, California with the sun pounding down on us and the wind ferociously whipping around like it was going to knock us over. Our innovative Thanksgiving where we served everything but turkey. Yes, it was all sides…..because that’s all that really matters. The countless hours spent on Skype, even leaving it on while we slept so we could feel closer, are just a memory. Everything we had is only just that: a memory.

What the fuck happened to my right man?

What happened to my relationship?

What happened to my picture-perfect life?

Ugh.

Dear Ben,

Let me get this straight: you mean to tell me that you’re gonna use the fact that you were drunk and barely remember anything from last night as an excuse to hit me around like that, and then call me pathetic and insane? Sounds to me like your whole “awesome life” is built on nothing but your shallow existence and drugs to numb the reality of your actions. It also sounds like you’re completely irresponsible which tells me that one day all of this shit will come crashing down on you, forcing you to face the error of your ways.

Contacting me at 3:30 in the morning asking where I’m at and what I’m doing is beyond your jurisdiction. You no longer have the privilege of knowing my whereabouts or being a part of my life. Also, telling me your pathetic sob stories about how you can’t seem to get passed your social phobia and how hard you’ve tried is not something I’m concerned with anymore. I don’t care if your so-called friends haven’t invited you out in two weeks. They probably don’t want to hang out with you because they know you’re completely awkward in every way possible, plus no one wants to hang out with someone who they can’t trust.

Why would anyone want to associate with someone who lies, cheats, and steals? Why would anyone want to be friends with you when you use people, just like you used your friend’s grandmother’s passing as an excuse to hang out with that naive midget at the beach all day and then fuck her in OUR brand new bed. You’ve got some nerve calling me psycho when I’ve told you specifically that I’m done with this, that I can’t do this with you anymore, yet all you say is “relax” so you can continue to string me along at your leisure. What kind of friends uses the passing of his friend’s grandmother, whom he was very close with, as an excuse to spend the day at the beach with some girl? And that friend had recently discovered that his live-in girlfriend was cheating on him and you saw first-hand how much it tore him up. Who the fuck does that kind of shit to their friends?! Apparently you do.

Maybe I’ve sought my revenge, but you’ve pushed me to the limit and beyond by fucking with me over and over again. I know that I shouldn’t have given you as many chances to apologize to me as I did, but clearly you aren’t sorry for fucking cheating on me and lying to me. You think it’s perfectly okay to ruin an amazing relationship by lying to other girls, putting your penis inside of their hideous vaginas, and then lying to me about it. You should have taken the option I gave you when it first happened, which was to apologize and allow me to gracefully walk away. But you had to keep me around to continue forth with you’re mind-fucking games. You actually believed that I was stupid enough to fall for your shit but you will never ever beat me at my own game.

I will NOT tolerate lying, cheating, stealing, physical/mental/verbal abuse of any kind or any form of deception. I can always see right through people’s bullshit which is why I’m such a strong woman. You’ve said it yourself how often you’ve underestimated me. Truthfully that was one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made because I told you from the very beginning that I will walk away at the drop of a hat if you want to fuck with me. I ask for simplicity, honesty, loyalty, devotion, and love — if you can’t handle that, can’t handle my all-or-nothing personality, than you should have stayed the fuck home in New Jersey where you belong, instead of infecting my life the way you did.

Maybe Peaches Honey Blossom wouldn’t be dead right now and I would still be living with her in my dream world in Arizona. Instead, I wasted 9 months of my life dating you, allowing you to isolate me from the rest of the world, causing me to lose my friends and fall into a depression that I battle with every day. I cannot believe that I actually thought you were my Edward Cullen. The kind of love I gave you was unlike anything I’ve ever dream of before and you chose to destroy that when you lied and cheated. You chose to murder a part of my soul, a part that I may truthfully never get back, because you are an extremely weak individual. I’ve given you my undivided love, attention, devotion, and compassion and this is how you repay me.

The only reason you’re even mad at me in the first place is because I’ve caught you in every single lie you’ve told. I caught you cheating on me red-handed twice. I told your friends how you used them and their tragedies to deceive me. I told everyone on Facebook and in person what a fucking piece of shit you truly are. The reason why I’ve put forth so much information, why I’ve told so many people is because everyone should know just how truly pathetic you are. I wanted you to suffer the way you’ve made me suffer, to feel as alone and isolated as you’ve made me feel. To be quite honest, if you felt even a fraction of the pain that I do–the kind that truly weakens the soul causing you to barely to function every day, to feel so used and worthless like you’re equivalent to a piece of trash, so expendable–than you would probably die instantly. You’re mad because I told the truth and the truth fucking hurts, doesn’t it?

Thing is, I am a strong woman and I will remain this way until I take my very last breath, whereas you will always be this pathetic excuse for a human being who sabotages every good thing in his life. You will forever be scarred by your unfortunate childhood. You will continue to be a social phobic living in your Dad’s guest house, who never finishes college or follows his dreams. You will forever be burdened by your weakness and the fact that you can’t seem to overcome them. I can no longer be apart of your life and try to support and love you through these things because you destroyed all of that for me and for yourself. You can attempt to discredit me by talking about my job but it’s only just that: a job. You look like a fool by even attempting something like this because people who truly know me, know that I’m a stand-up kind of girl who isn’t interested in shallow, meaningless bullshit.

This is the last time I will ever write to you and the last time you will ever hear from me. I do not wish you all the best because you frankly do not deserve it. Please leave me alone and never contact me again.

Lauren

I’m fully aware of what must be done in order to move forth from something like this, I know what will happen after a significant absense from his life, I know that I’m far a psycho and that my revenge was justified because there is never a fault in telling the truth (my mom didn’t teach me that honesty was the best policy for nothing), I know that his actions have spoken much louder than his words since the day I caught him cheating on me.

I will make it through this depression and I will come out on top, because I always come out on top after any kind of hardship. Time heals what reason cannot and I’m fully aware of this, if I wasn’t than being a relationship therapist wouldn’t be a healthy career choice for me. I also know that I’m only human and I can only do/take so much before I begin to crack. Living my life in such a way is not how I’m used to living nor is it what I envision for my future. I will continue to remain loyal to my duties as a friend, trustworthy, kind, devoted, misjudging, and always there to do anything possible.

I’d also like to touch on the fact that this entire situation has lasted entirely too long, literally spawning enough drama for at least 250 Broadway productions. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not about the drama, I stay neutral on purpose. Indifference is a powerful thing and living by it has greatly helped me throughout the years. I know who I am, what I’m passionate about, what I want in life, and what works for me–and that is the number one reason why I’m such a strong woman. I will not tolerate anymore childish drama at all.

Again, I thank you all for the kind words, loving support, and time spent listening to me vent, it is very deeply and graciously appreciated.